Ngộp thở...
Em thua, truyện tình cảm em luôn là người thua.
Hôm qua tình cờ tìm lại được câu truyện em đọc cách đây mười mấy năm rồi, ngày đó đang tuổi yêu, đang tuổi đi học nữa nên đọc chỉ biết buồn.
Not a secular love
by Tran Thuy Mai
Entering the room Phan saw Ty sitting motionless in one of its corners. Immediately, he came up to her and began chatting to the surprise of her classmates.
The band started playing. Couple after couple waltzed in and out gracefully. Ty just sat beside a heap of handbags and mobile phones. To her, these moments seemed the longest. She wasted away the time by looking at the brightly-lit candelabrum.
"Why aren’t you dancing?" Phan asked her.
"Sorry, I can’t," answered Ty as she looked down.
To be frank, she had never thought of going to a dancing class. Even if she could dance, surely no young men here would invite her. ‘So much the better,’ she said to herself. He sat down close to her and talked to her for hours, ignoring the envious glances from other women.
From that day onwards, Ty felt quite bold when she had to face men. She remembered Phan’s question: "God doesn’t deny anybody. The question is, why aren’t you confident enough to assert your strength?"
The next day she let her friends go ahead to university so that she might have a little while to study herself in the mirror. For the first time in her life, she found herself more attractive than usual with a rosy shade on her cheeks (which were usually rather pale). ‘No woman is ugly. There are only women who regarded themselves as plain,’ she quoted to herself.
‘Clearly, I must be good-looking enough to attract Phan’s attention,’ Ty thought.
"How silly you’ve been these days! You seem to be haunted by somebody." Not until Cam Huong repeated her remark for the second time did Ty recognise her friend’s presence. "I know which guy’s charmed you. Mind your own position, dear. The higher you climb up, the more it hurts when you fall," she warned.
Cam Huong’s remarks reminded her of her plight. Being a very poor student, she could hardly make ends meet at school. When she walked from house to house to look for a job, people always turned a deaf ear to her proposal, for she did not have an attractive appearance.
The sweet memories from her meeting with Phan were still fresh and warm in her heart when the weather turned cold. She coughed terribly. Cam Huong finally took her to the university infirmary. The physician concluded she suffered from acute bronchitis. In her exhaustion she overheard her classmates talking to one another with low voices.
"Bronchitis or lung tuberculosis?" Van asked Cam Huong in a low whisper.
"It’s going to become tuberculosis," Cam Huong observed.
"Is it a contagious disease?" asked Khanh Van.
"Please tell us your home address and we’ll inform your mother of your critical situation," they said when she woke up.
"Please don’t. What’s the use of telling my mum about it? Supporting my two younger siblings is more than what she can stand, let alone coming here to look after me. Death does not scare me," Ty said, then fainted.
She was surprised by Phan’s presence by the side of her bed when she regained consciousness. Finding her eyes open, he bent down, smiling. ‘What gentle glances, tinted with worry and affection,’ she said to herself. ‘Where did I receive them? At that birthday party, perhaps,’ she thought.
"How did you know that I’m in this health centre?" Ty asked Phan.
"In their dire need, your roomates resorted to Khanh Thuong’s financial support. When they reached her home, they met me there," answered Phan.
Phan put several packets of medicines on the table. "Take it easy, dear," he told her. "Your illness is due to exhaustion, that’s all. If you’re still this worried, you’ll hardly get better." That was the first time she had been cheered up since her diagnosis, and it made tears well up in her eyes.
"You can weep to your heart’s content to wash away your anxiety," he assured her.
She had hardly wiped away her tears when he brought a bowl of hot porridge to her. "Help yourself, then go to sleep again. When you wake up late in the afternoon, try to drink a carton of milk. Tomorrow I’ll be back here to check in. If it’s still full, Ipunish you, my dear," he teased before saying good-bye.
After that, she fell asleep. In her slumber, she felt as if she was floating among the clouds.
"My poor little friend! He’s just taken pity on her, and pity is not love at all, you see," Cam Huong said to one of her friends loud enough for Ty to hear. Back to her own room more than a week later, Ty looked healthier than ever. Phan made frequent visits amid the suspicions of her friends.
"Maybe his visits are merely a cover-up of his love for another lady here," remarked Hong Dieu.
"Doubtful – young men are extremely dubious nowadays," both Khanh Van and Cam Huong agreed. "If you want to be loved by youths, you must be either rich or beautiful. Take our male classmates as an example. They only run after those who ride luxury motorbikes like the Spacy or the Attila," Khanh Van went on.
On her bed, Ty heard these comments clearly, but she pretended not to know anything. ‘No, Phan isn’t that kind of youth. Such a kind-hearted youth can’t be so deceitful and brutal,’ she told herself.
Phan came to Ty with a large bag of presents for her. Staring at the cans of milk and juicy oranges on the table, she felt she must do something in return.
"What can I do for you, dear?" she asked Phan, for she wanted to be sure about his real sentiments.
"What I’m badly in need of now is your health. Next comes high spirits and doing well at university, that’s all," he replied.
"Thanks a lot, dear."
"Don’t say anything else. Try to achieve what I’ve just asked of you. You’re still a far cry from good health. Anyhow, here it’s too noisy and stuffy," he said.
"Right you are!" she added to his remarks, smiling.
***
"You should exercise more – go running and do breathing drills," he suggested.
"Where can I perform such things?"
"Umm, I’ll take you out in the morning when I’m free," he promised.
It was an early morning on Thien An Hill. The wind was blowing gently through the pine trees. Ty managed to make a few rounds, bathed in perspiration. Her countenance looked rosy under the morning sunshine. Phan was sitting at the upper end of the slope with a stern face and a broad smile. She stopped to have a look at him. His fine countenance seemed bright under a clear blue sky on the background of tender pine twigs. The image would forever be seared in her memory.
"Brother Phan," Ty called him softly.
"What’s that?" he replied with a question, startled a bit from his meditation.
She felt confused. Only when sitting close to him did she feel the warmth covering her whole body. She placed her hands on his. How quiet the surroundings were! Above her was the blue sky and down below stretched a green valley. She trembled, waiting and waiting. At last he only held her hands.
"Your hands are now warm and dry; you’re well again. Before they were wet and cold," he remarked.
"Yes, I’m now feeling well again. By the way, the owner of a souvenir shop nearby asked me to work overtime for her with an appropriate pay. Should I accept that job?"
"Why not? But in my opinion, you should put it off for a few more weeks until you’ve completely recovered.
"Yes, you’re right," she answered. ‘I wish that in my entire lifetime, I could be so well-advised,’ she thought. By his side, she felt that she was so little in comparison with him, a huge tree providing shade over her.
***
The apprentice schedule seemed longer than her expectation. Ty wished to return to Thien An Hill soon so that she might run up the slope, lie on the grass and contemplate the clear blue sky behind Phan’s shoulders.
After two months of separation, all her friends had come back to class. They talked and talked. Surprisingly, a lot of events had taken place during that short period. Cam Huong had just said good-bye to her lover, so her face revealed disappointed.
"Why hasn’t your darling come to visit you so far?" she asked Ty. "Damn those betrayers!"
"Don’t be so dreamy, my dear. Don’t you know the saying, ‘What’s too perfect and too beautiful can’t be real’? Phan’s too good to you – so good that we’re doubtful about his nature," Khanh Van told her.
Ty had patiently waited for him for weeks. When would he appear?
***
"May I see Miss Khanh Thuong, Auntie?" Ty asked the elderly maid of her family politely. Her friendly behaviour made the servant’s face brighten up, for rarely did anyone treat her so gently. Immediately Ty was invited in. The large lounge with its expensive marble looked cold. Slowly, Khanh Thuong came downstairs. Perfume coming from her silk nightdress wafted to Ty’s settee.
Seeing Ty in the hall, she said softly, "I was going to look for you but I didn’t know which dormitory you were staying in. Brother Phan’s too busy to visit you, but he always misses you. He’s asked me to send you this card."
‘The wedding card?’ Ty asked herself, standing dumbfounded. Khanh Thuong went upstairs again to fetch the card. "You’ve reached here in time. Wait for me a few minutes. I’ll make up a bit, then we’ll go there by car just in time," she said to Ty.
The ordination for Pedro Nguyen Tien Phan was attended by numerous Christians, among them were Khanh Thuong and Ty. In front of the sacrarium, he lay prone, arms stretching out. Ty bent down her head and tried not to cry. Suddenly, Khanh Thuong seized her hands and silently dragged her out of the church.
"Let’s go out for fresh air," Khanh Thuong urged her. "Is it the first time you’ve been present at a religious service?" she asked Ty. Ty nodded her head. The two friends sat down on a bench under the canopy in the courtyard.
"The Church has just selected Brother Phan among over 30 deacons to be ordained as a priest. He studied well at the monastery. Besides, he’s very intelligent and serious about the canon law. Do you get now why he always paid attention to the less fortunate people on campus? Such things are taught in monastery," Khanh Thuong revealed.
"Now it’s high time for us to go back in. The service might be over," she urged Ty.
Among the crowd of followers, the new priest in his white frock was holding the sacred vessel. Although he looked rather different from his former self, Ty could recognise him with a patch of blue sky over his shoulder that day. Ty approached him and looked at Phan’s shining face.
Priest Pedro Phan suddenly found a familiar face staring at him.
"I’m very glad that you’ve arrived here. Do you still remember what I told you before?" he asked her.
"Don’t be afraid of solitude!," it is a precious piece of advice she would remember forever. Ty knew that he would no longer be beside her; nevertheless, the blessings he offered her would stay fresh in her mind, which was not love, but something far greater than love.
